Surviving or thriving?
I think that the hardest thing about survival mode is that you don't quite realize that you're in it until you're out of it. It's a strange thing because every other aspect of life, every other season, every other feeling, you know you're in it. When life is good, it feels good. When life is really knocking you down, you feel that too. When you're depressed, you usually know you're depressed. When you're tired, you know that too. Whether you want to admit you're feeling these things is up to you, but you know they're there. And so on and so forth. But when you're in survival mode.. man it can be years, decades even, before you ever come to realize I don't have to be like this anymore. And it's the subtle changes that start it all. It's the slowing down when you cook a meal and learning a new recipe, taking the time to measure each teaspoon or find new ingredients you've never used before. It's taking a little longer in the shower to enjoy the feeling of the water hitting your face, feeling how it feels for it to actually drip all the way down, or finally feeling the difference between a good body wash & conditioner that you spent the time researching the ingredients of and smelling each one down the aisle. It's the new comforter set that you got that actually matches from the sheets, to the pillow covers, to the curtains, and even the throw pillow at the edge of the bed. It's the first time you take the kids to the park that you, yourself, actually enjoy it too, the feeling of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair when you chase them around. You're booking vacations and thinking about where the hell in the world you want to go now when at one point the most exciting thing was Sebreeze and Darien Lake; now you're smiling for your passport picture.. Everything starts to slow down. Life doesn't feel so rushed anymore. I think that's because in survival mode we're conditioned to just jump to the next thing and the next thing and the next that we don't ever stop to enjoy any single one of them because we're so used to having to just keep moving. And I think that's the part that can be scary, the stand still.
When you're in survival mode your brain becomes conditioned; hardwired. Conditioned to believe that if you stop and smell the roses for too long, they'll die, because everything beautiful around you always does. Conditioned to jump to the defense anytime someone shows you tough love because it seems to close to shamefulness. Conditioned to believe that people leaving is something that you have to do everything in your power to prevent & protect out of fear of being abandoned again.. Instead of simply reminding yourself that people in your life are like different parts of a tree and the leaves are only meant to stay for a season. Conditioned to believe that if you slow down, life will pass right by you and you will have accomplished nothing, a failure, so god forbid you enjoy it. Conditioned to feel nothing but anger because it's the only emotion designed to protect you, because sadness, makes you weak. It's this constant, never changing, constantly revolving room of doors and each one just opens into the next wonderland except that there's nothing wonderful in any of your wonderlands and everyone is mad, alice. And in this state of mind, all you will ever be is okay. But if I asked you the question, would you be if you didn't have to be, what would you say? Would you still be okay? Would you stop and smell the flowers? Or let those around you pour into you without pushing them away? Would you stand at the edge of the beach and let your feet sink into the sand and the water splash up against your legs? Would you plan a vacation and actually enjoy it instead of thinking about all of the things to come next? Would you you sit in the comfort of your own home, whether you rent or own it, and be at peace when you sit down or would you always need to get up and do something? Would you buy that iced coffee without the guilt of what you should or could be doing with that $7? Would you be happy with yourself when you look in the mirror each morning or when you lay down in bed staring at the ceiling each night? Could you fall asleep? Do you feel at peace when you walk in your door or do you keep chasing the revolving doors of chaos because it's all you've come to know? Please hear me when I say, whatever you don't come to appreciate the universe will surely take away. So whatever it is that's keeping you up at night, let it go, so you can take what you're being given and thrive. Pull yourself out of it before it's too late. Before life passes right by you and you're sitting at the table drinking your coffee alone one day wondering where the time went and where everybody is.