Lessons I've learned before that really sank in.

Most of these I already knew and you probably do too but when I became a single mother... Who knows. Maybe you need to hear these too.

  1. Probably the most important and the hardest to swallow. Understand everyone’s role in your life and accept them for who they are and the position they play. There’s people who can and will show up physically 9x/10 you call and they’ll be there if they can. You need a hand, they got you. You need help, they’re coming. They're building furniture with you, rearranging the house, and always down to come hang. Then there’s people who really probably can show up physically, but will only show up emotionally (phone calls, venting, texts, voice messages, FaceTimes). They’re unlikely to SHOW up physically and will probably.. definitely. make an excuse when you ask them to and those excuses will drive you mad. Stop asking. They’re simply not good at being present but they are there when you need a good cry and some advice and they’ll always pick up the phone. Then there’s emergency contacts. In an emergency, they got you. But please don’t count on them for much outside of that. Understand that people also all go through seasons. Right now, I'm in a storm, so I personally can't be anybody's umbrella and this is hard because that's who I've ALWAYS been so it presents itself as me being a bad friend to those who don't understand the concept of seasons. This season they may not be able to be your roots and keep you grounded. Understand though that some people were never meant to be roots and they won’t ever be. Don’t take either personally. In fact, you’re better off “using” people for who they are. Not literally take advantage, but stop trying to make them into the person they’re not. Understand their position in the game and allow them to play just that. Discovering which position they play may cost you a couple games though and everyone hates losing but it’s necessary. Once you’ve got a solid play.. it gets easier. You waste a lot less time. 
  2. Find friends who want to do things with your kids. I've never really been a person who's fond of children so I'm deff the mom who will flat ass say I like my kids, not other peoples kids. However, once you're out numbered you're out numbered so you might as well at least have an adult to talk to while you're doing it. Even if they don't have kids themselves. Not every one of your friends likes kids either, they just aren't going to tell you they don't. And that's FINE. Find some who do. Doesn't matter if you guys just sit in the house and let the kids be feral. Everything's better with someone to share it with. Preferably find someone who also actually wants to go DO things and get out of the house and experience things but it doesn't have to always be that. Motherhood is so fucking lonely as it is and I know you remember growing up how much more fun things were when your parents let you bring a friend. Give your kid one, and yourself one.
  3. Mother’s Day hurts. Your first Mother’s Day without so much as a card but rather a bunch of texts, maybe a phone call or two.. Deep pain. Especially being surrounded in social media by all of the flowers, gifts, spa days, and people treating their mothers like queens as they should be and you’re sitting here having it rubbed in your face that it’s just another day and you likely still have your kids and everything is going to carry on. I have no advice honestly on how to make that hurt less. With this though I learned to pay more attention to the other mothers around me. I guess I never wondered who was doing for them. So you can be sad for a little while but it doesn’t change anything. But you know what you can change? One of their days. Bring your kids. Do some deliveries. Still take advantage of the opportunity to show them how to appreciate the mothers around them. This year, I moped. But next year that’s my plan. Lol. 
  4. Find a couple solid babysitters. Learn trust; how to, when to, and when to pull it. Reality is, you need them. The “village” concept is not the same anymore because, just my belief, there simply isn't a bunch of stay at home moms all around us while the husbands work. Nowadays, it's all hands on deck and women are finding themselves and careers and so on. So find a FEW, not one, a FEW, reliable babysitters, in case someone is busy. 
  5. ^^ piggy backing off of this. everyone has lives. they carry on. every. single. day. you have to get over the anger and frustration of nobody stopping theirs to help you with yours. whether or not you chose this and whatever your reasons were, this is your life, not theirs. other people are not responsible for coming to save your day. and that’s hard. but they’re likely tired too. don’t EXPECT anybody to show up just because you need it. You need it, not them. HOPE that they would if they could. HOPE that they can in that moment. but expecting they will is a lot to put on somebody and will likely get your feelings hurt over something that just simply is what it is. you don’t always want to show up either and sometimes you just can't.
  6. and on the flip side, don't ever let a mf show you or tell you twice that they don't want you or to be around you. THIS GOES FOR EVERYONE. Friends, family, boyfriends/girlfriends, baby fathers/mothers, husbands/wives, ALL OF EM. People tell on themselves by their actions, open your eyes and WATCH how people move. If you find yourself in a constant state of asking for the same things and they're not being heard, it's. on. purpose. If they're consistently not doing right by you, it's. on. purpose. If you're constantly being forgotten, left out, or uninvited, it's. on. purpose. I promise you. Sometimes people just simply don't have it in them to walk away from you for their own reasons, benefits, or they struggle to tell you the hard truth to your face but they've been telling you in EVERY other aspect. Even the ones who tell you to your face that they want you or want to be in your life but their actions have said otherwise.. LISTEN. People stay in situations/friendships/relationships for a number of fucked up reasons or ones they even convince themselves or feel truly are valid. But it DOESN'T mean they truly want to and you shouldn't suffer the cost of that. Stop begging. Stop trying to force it. Stop arguing with mfs. You're making a fool out of yourself. You're allowing yourself to be a monkey in their circus and I can assure you everyone in the audience is watching and laughing. They are not your people. They are who they are to you and that's who at least a part of them wants to be. Part is enough. Stop wasting your time. I know this sounds harsh but this is a good point for anyone. Choosing to be blind is only going to get you fucked up in the end and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself because you knew and you ENCOURAGED them to put their mask back on just so you could live in your fairytale. Every story has an ending, even fairytales. You know how this story ends, you're simply delaying the ending. I just emphasize this especially as a single mom simply because your time is so much more limited.
  7. there are very. few. breaks. utilize them when you get them. take a nap. the dishes can wait. but learn how to manage your time the best you can. don't obsess over every minute of the day being scheduled but get a good idea on when your little bit of free time will be. again, nobody said this would be easy. worth it or necessary sure, but easy, no.
  8. one chore a day is sometimes all you can do and that’s fine. but remember everything you push off eventually piles up. This is not to make you feel worse than you already do right now while you're reading this and staring at the mess in front of you. I'm writing it while staring at the one in front of me. So here's what you do.. Make a list everyday of what you need/want to get done and decide the priorities and go from there. if it goes well, do a little more. if it doesn’t, be happy with just hitting the priorities. and don’t beat yourself to hell if you just need to quit for today. & fyi, just simply getting out of bed is absolutely allowed to be on that list.
  9. the days are LONG but the years are short.. I know it’s hard. but try to cherish them. If you lose your cool, apologize, and try again later. it'll be okay. you're going through a hard season but it simply can't rain forever. but there's something so peaceful about the rain and what it does for the earth, the soil, the roots & the trees. So dance in it, let it water you, teach you, and bring peace to you.
  10. DONT WAIT FOR ANYBODY. don’t wait for anybody to do anything first, and don’t wait for anybody to join you. don't wait up for anyone, they'll make time for the things that they want.
  11. surround your children with other children. for one, they need not to be in grown folks business all the time, it forces growing up too fast and you won’t like the result of that. if you’re worried bc you have more than one already, you’re already out numbered. and honestly everything after three is just another mouth to feed. it’ll be chaos and a big mess at the end of the night but honestly you’d be surprised at how well they keep each other busy and you might actually get some down time. 
  12. “Do it when the kids go to bed” is a crock of shit statement. When they go down you’ll be beat. follow what I said above about the list instead so that when they’re finally asleep, you can rest too. However that may look. (Bath, go straight to bed, binge watch a show, mindlessly scroll, etc). 
  13. I’d rather be poor and be present than be rich and be resented. Money can always be made at any time but time will not repeat itself. If you have to make a choice between being abundant and having abundance, be abundant. 
  14. you’re one person. you can not do it all. you can not be it all. show up everyday and try your best and understand and accept that some days your best is just simply getting out of bed and serving up the frozen waffles. but... you got out of bed. and that may be more than the person next to you can say today so be grateful for your strength and give yourself grace. it’s not easy and you’ll never hear somebody say it is. cry about it. literally. as many times as you need to.
  15. Take care of yourself. You’re no good to anyone else if you’re barely holding on yourself. It doesn’t matter how you do it. But take care of yourself. Turn your phone off. Take a break. Secure the kids in a safe space & lock yourself in your bathroom for a minute. Whatever you need to do. Take care of yourself. 
  16. Protect your peace. If you left, you did so for a reason. Either way, why make things harder than they already are? If something or someone’s not serving you.. walk away. quick as fuck too. learn to start making those decisions quickly and comfortably. It’s okay. if it costs you your peace.. it was too fucking expensive anyways. you don’t have to speak when you don’t want to, show up where you don’t want to, nor surround yourself with things/people you don’t want to. A simple "I don’t want to" IS a good answer. You don’t need an excuse. peace is hard enough to come by. whatever you find yours in, protect it. 
  17. YOUR KIDS WOULD RATHER HAVE A HAPPY HOME THAN THE ONE YOU STAYED IN "FOR THEM". I PROMISE. Stand on your decision. Please know this comes from someone who went back and back and back. And I'm talking fully separated separately living and went back. Nobody said it was easy. But you choose your hard. Leaving is hard. Staying is hard too. Divorce is hard. Marriage is hard too. Being successful is hard. But ain't being broke fucking hard too? You CHOOSE your hard. It might be a little easier in the moment because it's comfortable or less work, because you think you know your kids will be "better off". But speaking from someone who was surrounded by friends who's parents stayed... baby the DAMAGE. Long term misery will eventually spill over, no matter how hard you try. This is why people have "midlife crisis'" Everyone breaks eventually. It doesn't matter how strong you think you are. And it may not be in the form of a midlife crisis but in addictions, late nights, obsessive working to avoid, detachment. Your children FEEL everything, they are quite literally an extension of you, they're made up of your cells. I can assure you they feel it even when you think you're hiding it well. There's going to be a moment or moments where your child struggles to adjust and you contemplate your decision. But I promise you they will adjust and you would much rather them adjust than have to spend years recovering from the damage. At the end of the day, your children are people too and just like you have to adjust to a new routine a new normal they do too and you can't expect tiny people to handle big people things as easy as you are or as QUIETLY as you are. But just like you, they will adjust. I can assure you whenever our children are in any pain it always hurts us more than it does them. It's normal. Feel your feels. But show your children SELF LOVE as much as sacrifice. I loved myself enough to know it was time to go. I loved myself enough to make the choice to let go. I loved myself enough to do the hard work required to get us set up in our own place, a clean slate, one filled with love and peace so that I could be a better me and in return, be better for you. Just as you would want them to do. Know that you cannot fix what's broken. You cannot force someone who doesn't want to stay. You can't make people love or treat you the way you want to be loved or treated. And remember, it doesn't have to be "toxic" for you to justify you simply not wanting it. I don't want to IS a good enough reason. And sometimes.. you have to listen. Because more often than not you let that person tell you more than once that this wasn't what they wanted. Walk away.
  18. let go & let god ain't just a saying for the church folks. this applies to us non-believers too. it's not even about god at this point but more so the principle of understanding that whatever the higher power may be, the universe, etc, whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. so be still & know. we only have one shot at this life and you're going to blink and 10 years will have gone by and you can't get a single minute of them back. how have you spent yours? which leads me to my last point.. my mother always preached this one every chance she got and lately more than ever it's rockin' with me but again, it ain't just about god here so know and stand by the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity.

To accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things that I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

And remember.. In case nobody has told you lately, which is likely, you’re doing a good job. Those kids are just raggedy. They get it from they daddy. That ain't a part of the prayer but it's just as important.