Emotional Intelligence, the long, dreadful, work in progress.
Tbh it's 4 am & for some reason I'm up and just can't stop thinking about how a couple weeks ago somebody on the phone with me suddenly complemented us on how emotionally intelligent our children are. Probably the best compliment I’ve received in this life but I remember being so caught off guard I didn't know what to say. All I could say, literally, was "yeah our children have some big big feelings in this house so it's important". And it's true lmao, they do. Honestly.. If you've ever seen the movie Inside Out, I often compare each of our children to one of Riley's emotions. And if you know our children, it's very obvious which one is which lol. Nonetheless, we still love them all for exactly who they are, if that wasn't obvious.
Growing up in my house it was just us kids & my mom & she did her best but her own trauma & survival mode made her completely, 100%, emotionally unavailable. I mean she quite literally couldn't be. If she broke, there wouldn't be anyone there to pick her up, step in her place, take care of things, that's a fact I know. She didn't ever have a solid partner to count or rely on(she picked shitty men, to put it plainly), she didn't have her mom and dad, and most of the friends she did have i'm sorry to say this to them, but they weren't really friends, they were bad habit besties. She had 6 sisters but very rarely could many of them be counted on and especially without judgement, betrayal, or throwing it back in her face later on. But even the good ones couldn't just take on 3 kids or the struggles that she faced and fix them. And I think she subconsciously knew that once she broke, that would be it for her. I wish she knew it didn't have to be it but I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have felt the same if I were her. Back then, there wasn't nearly the resources that there is now. You can say a lot of negative things about this generation but I think if there's anything we're truly getting right it's paying closer attention to mental health. Those who raised us did the best they could with what they had and honestly, I'm not disappointed, I'm grateful. We owe a lot to them. But I don’t think I ever remember a time I was able to just sit and cry to my mom & that she would've tried to genuinely listen and understand me. I would’ve never done it honestly, the thought actually just made me lol. She would’ve just told me to suck it up or “I’ll give you something to cry about”. Now, don’t get me wrong.. I’ve definitely used that very same line on our children, just in different circumstances. I'm not ashamed to admit that and I can honestly tell you I can guarantee I'll probably say it again because phew child sometimes they just be doing shit and they need to hear it. Builds character lmao. We're raising softer children, but not soft children.
I’m by no means what you would call a “gentle parent”, neither of us are. Simply put it, we don't play that shit in this house. But we're also not our parents, as much as we love them. I do take pride in us having given our children the space and place to feel safe enough to talk about their feelings to us without fear of dismissal, fear of us not caring, fear of us being angry at them for being upset or emotional, fear of getting yelled at, etc etc etc. I think we do a good job at getting down to their level, listening to them, apologizing to them when they're hurt, my boyfriend especially. He's honestly a little bit better at that part with them than I am. You probably wouldn't guess it if you know him, but when it comes to the kids, he's definitely the more patient of us two. I can admit that sometimes by the time I'm done with my day I can become closed off, emotionally unavailable to them, determined to do what I have to to get everything accomplished for the day. I'm still working on that. But I don't really know if there's anyone who is available 24/7 and I assume that would be extremely exhausting so I can't say that's a true goal of mine, but I would like to be available a little more for them is I guess what I'm saying.
Emotional intelligence wasn’t something we would just learn as we got older like balancing a checkbook or filing your taxes. It's also not something you get to just try out one time and suddenly you've got it. It doesn't come naturally to anyone. It was something that took years of work, trial & error, learning active listening and listening to understand vs listening to respond, sucking it up and apologizing when we we're wrong or mean, therapy & being checked by my therapist and being willing to be corrected by her and by each other and being wrong A LOT, trying not to get discouraged or frustrated and shutting down, staying when you want to leave or run away because its easier, skipping the part where we avoid our problems and give into old habits for quick fixes, having the hard conversations and on and on it goes. And it's choosing to do so every. single. day. And it's HARD and sometimes, we fucking suck at it. But we owe it to the people that we love to try for them, so we do.
But it was never something that was SHOWN by those who raised us in survival mode or by the people we surrounded ourselves with because tbh, most of them were in the same boat.. But that's also why we all stuck together, trauma bonds. It's also why we've had to step back from some of the people we once spent everyday with; because they weren't ready to do the work, and because of that they became our very own "bad habit besties". They became those people we had to love from a distance ya know like... I want to see you eat but just not at my table right now. Now, don't get me wrong, I will never sit up here and claim we weren't the bad habit in someone else's life because there was definitely a time where anyone who wanted good for them probably didn't want them around us. A time of brokenness, a time of refusing healing or help, a time of self medicating and endless bad decisions. Emotional intelligence was never taught or just given, it was always something we had and have to consciously, continuously SEEK and make the effort myself to want to learn over, and over, and over again to break those old habits. And sometimes it's fucking exhausting and it feels easier to just shut down. We're not perfect, and we wont ever be. But if I were to honestly tell you there’s any one skill I’m extremely grateful that we’ve instilled into them, it’s that one. It's my hope that we've instilled it so deeply that one day it will become something that just gravitates off of them and spills into the cups of the people they surround themselves with, effortlessly. So that little by little those who are still too angry, too hurt, too closed off to be willing to be taught, will unknowingly be receiving the gift from our children. So far, I think we're doing a damn good job. In the meantime, watch Inside Out, that shits good.